There was a time when I wished to be whole or, in other words, perfect. Being whole did not mean that I'd be a mixture of Brainiac and Superman, just that I'd be able to be calm in any situation, having no fear nor regret. It would have also implied that I would have reached a level of matureness, being able to accept my role and who I am on this tiny blue dot in the middle of a vast sea of stars and galaxies.
I tried to achieve this by working on myself, exercising both mentally and physically. For a moment, it seemed to work, but I keep reverting to my old self. Perhaps it is a wish to prolong childhood and not grow up just yet.
I'm not sure whether it was thanks to my studies or simply my ever-changing worldview, but I think I've found what it means to be whole. We tend to think of ourselves seperate from nature, but that is just an illusion conjured up by our ego and lack of knowledge. Earlier in this post I compared tiny Earth with our gargantuan Universe. That is perhaps our mistake. We forget that we are part of the Universe too. We may seem puny compared to it, but together with the Universe we are whole. This is the death of our ego, who is jealous because he wants to be big, yet is everything but significant - something he cannot accept. Take that jealousy away and he might as well not exist.
Maybe this realization has not changed much, but I no longer seek unobtainable perfection as I have discovered something just as good.
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